I’ve been married for over 20 years. My husband was the man of my dreams and we had an incredible amount of passion in the relationship for the first few years. Now, though, it seems like we’re more like roommates than spouses. We never fight and yet it seems like something is missing. Any ideas about what might be wrong and how we can get back on track?

Passion is a wonderful thing in a relationship. However, couples who have wonderfully passionate relationships often also have equally passionate negative feelings toward one another. These negative feelings are not bad in and of themselves, and in fact, they provide extremely fertile ground for growth both for the individuals in the relationship as well as for the couple.

However, many couples have trouble navigating through the negative times, feeling scared of the critical or hostile impulses they harbor and/or hopeless about resolving the issues. Although some couples resolve the dilemma by continual fighting and/or breaking up, other couples will dissociate the negative feelings to avoid conflict. The latter solution typically results in the scenario you’re describing. There could be other explanations as well but this one is the most common.