My husband and I tend to have big blow outs over fairly inconsequential things. It seems like one of us always has to “win” and that “winning” is more important than what we’re actually fighting about. What’s going on and how can we stop it?

It could be several things, but the core of your fights almost certainly involve issues of self-worth. Oftentimes couples use each other in a fashion not unlike “mirror, mirror on the wall”. In the honeymoon stages of a relationship, this can be wonderful, because we look in the eyes of the other and see a glorified image of ourselves reflected back. However, as we become more aware of one another’s imperfections, couples who have been relying extensively on mirroring now look hopefully into the eyes of their partner and see a less than perfect image of themselves reflected back.

To some people, “less than perfect” doesn’t exist. They only see the world as black or white, so “less than perfect” becomes intolerably black and they frantically begin doing whatever is within their power to redeem themselves. Since they’re used to looking to their spouse for validation and the spouse is no longer forthcoming, a common solution is to try to bring the spouse down. The unconscious logic is that if the spouse can be shown to be less than perfect, then it follows that they obviously aren’t seeing us accurately and our opinions of ourselves can rise. However, there’s a double-bind, because if the spouse is perceived as the bad guy, then the person will start to feel bad about themselves for staying with such a slouch. The therapeutic goal in this type of a relationship is to teach each person to find their self-worth and goodness within themselves instead of relying on others to provide it.